The Fic That Must Not Be Named
by Doom Song
Summary: Tell me, my Lord, have you some ridiculously elaborate plan to slowly capture the boy, while leaving enough clues around for someone to become suspicious? This is a parody of Harry Potter fics.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing. This is a repost.

Voldemort sat in his chair and watched the fire. The flames licked the top of the fireplace, while casting an eerie shadow across the room. Suddenly he stood up and looked around at the Death Eaters assembled in the room.

"I have brought you here--" he began, but was cut off by his lackey, Wormtail, bursting into the room. He tripped over the rug and landed at Voldemort's feet. The Dark Lord sniffed disdainfully.

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public, Wormtail," he said, as Wormtail stood up, made a few sputtering noises, and took his place among the Death Eaters.

Voldemort cleared his throat and began again, "I have brought you here for a--" Once again, the Dark Lord was cut off, as something resembling a huge mutilated kitchen appliance broke down the door to the room. Voldemort sighed and glared.

"I told you, no one here has your ring, Sauron," he said irritably. Sauron scratched his head and glanced at the Death Eaters.

"But, you would tell me if you did, right?"

"Yes," Voldemort answered, his eyes narrowed in anger.

"Oh. Well, I guess I'll be going then." Sauron stood there for a moment longer before backing away slowly, returning to his own fic.

Voldemort tried again.

"I have brought you here for a purpose. It's time for the Boy-Who-Lived to meet his demise." His followers looked around at each other, the unspoken question hanging in the air.

"Demise means death, morons," Malfoy snapped at his fellow Death Eaters. There were a few nods and 'Ohh' sounds. "Tell me, my Lord, have you some ridiculously elaborate plan to slowly capture the boy, while leaving enough clues around for someone to become suspicious?"

"Yes, Lucius, I do. Wormtail, bring me a grenade, some baking soda, and some of those fake wax lips. The Potter boy will die!" Voldemort exclaimed.

Wormtail twitched. "What?" he asked

"DO NOT INVOKE MY WRATH!" Voldemort pointed a finger at him. He scurried out of the room. Voldemort sat back in his chair. Being a Dark Lord wasn't easy.

Dumbledore sat in his office, surrounded by Severus Snape, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. Why? Because I said so.

"I fear Voldemort may have another plan to get Harry, or so our extremely obvious spy, Snape, tells me," Dumbledore said calmly, glancing at Snape. Sirius eyed Snape with suspicion.

"How do we know we can trust him? He was a Death Eater. His friends are Death Eaters," Sirius spat.

Snape merely sneered. "Well, Black, at least none of my friends are in the position to hump the leg of a chair once a month," he replied coldly.

Sirius clutched the arms of his chair in anger. Remus looked stunned. Dumbledore raised his hand for silence, but to no avail.

"Yeah? So is your face! YOUR FACE!" Sirius yelled back.

"If I throw a stick, will you leave?" Severus responded. Dumbledore made a few sparkles come out of his wand to silence them.

"We must keep Harry safe. That is our first priority. You two may insult each other later. What we need is a conveniently placed distraction, so we don't know what's going on with Harry until the last possible moment." Dumbledore explained. The men nodded.

"I'll be mean, and vaguely creepy, so he will automatically assume I'm the evil one." Snape volunteered. Dumbledore nodded.

"And I'll discreetly let him get away with practically everything, thus putting him in more danger. Sirius, you will attempt to help, but due to the fact you are clueless about the situation, you will be useless. Remus, you are just going to wander from room to room. Are we are clear on this?" Dumbledore asked, as he regarded the men seriously. They all agreed to the plan. They stood up to leave.

"Well, I'm going to go torture myself over not being a good godfather. Remus is gonna come with me and wallow in self pity about being a werewolf," Sirius told Dumbledore. Remus nodded, wondering why he didn't get more lines.

"I'm going to go do stuff. With potions. And wonder what went wrong with my life," Snape said as he walked out the door.

Once everyone left, Dumbledore sat back down at his desk and sighed. Being a good wizard wasn't easy.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N I still own nothing. And I still can't get the format to do what I want. Argh.

Harry sat in Potions, cutting up various disgusting things. He looked up suddenly, feeling as though he was being watched. He saw Ron scoot his chair closer to him. Harry scooted a little father away. No one else seemed to notice this.

"You know, Harry. We've been friends for a long time. We sleep in the same dorm room, too," Ron said, while wiggling his eyebrows and scooting closer again. Harry scooted away again.

"Uh..." Harry was at a loss for words when Draco popped up out of nowhere.

"Potter. I have the bad boy image, and I'm mean. You find me sexy," he stated, hopping up and standing on the Potions table in front of Harry. Harry trembled with fear. Ron continued to scoot closer to him.

"What is the meaning of this!" exclaimed a harsh voice from behind them. Harry jumped up and came face to face to Professor Snape.

"We're trying to seduce Harry!" Ron explained. Snape raised an eyebrow and stepped closer to Harry.

"You are aware, Mr. Potter, that my hair isn't _that_ greasy." Snape attempted to look suggestive, but failed miserably. Harry looked around frantically, but no one else seemed to notice. In desperation and utter fear, Harry darted for the door and ran. He continued to run from the dungeons when he tripped over something large and furry.

"Snuffles?" Harry exclaimed upon seeing the dog. With a soft pop, Sirius stood where the dog had sat.

"Harry, I'm glad I found you, I have an important question," Sirius whispered as he helped Harry up off the floor when he had fallen. Sirius put his arm around his godson's shoulders and looked into his eyes.

"Are you... a dog person, Harry?" Sirius asked silkily.

Harry ran away screaming.

Hermione frowned at her friend. Harry had been huddled in the corner of the common room, twitching and gibbering to himself. When Ron had come in to go up to the dorm room, he had winked at Harry, which made the gibbering quicken and reach a higher pitch. She slowly walked to the corner of the room, careful not to make any quick movements.

"Harry...?" she tried. Harry squeaked and huddled farther in the corner. A shadow fell over Hermione and Harry.

"Want me to try?" a cold voice drawled. Hermione spun around in shock.

"Malfoy! What are you doing! This isn't your common room!"

Malfoy looked down at his feet. "I just wanted to see Harry--" Hermione cut him off.

"No! Go! Now! Ew!" She pointed towards the door. Malfoy sighed and slumped towards the door, muttering in French under his breath. Hermione stood there with a confused expression. She swallowed hard and turned back to Harry.

"I'm going away now. I'm gonna take a sleeping potion." Hermione stood up and ran to her dorm room. No one noticed the large gray rat watching the poor traumatized boy in the corner.


	3. Chapter 3

"Duna duna duna duna WORMTAIL! Duna duna duna duna WORMTAIL!"

Wormtail appeared with a pop and bad theme music. Harry quickly jumped out of his corner and pulled a karate pose.

"You!" Harry exclaimed, drawing his wand. Wormtail spat out a fur ball, and pointed his wand at Harry.

"Yes. Me. Now then, let's get to the emotional confrontation!"

Harry's eyes went wide and wet from held back tears. Sad music played from somewhere in the background.

"Why? Why did you betray my parents?" Harry choked out, and fell to his knees. The sad music became louder.

"Because James took it, " Wormtail hissed venomously. "He took my last box of Cheerios!"

Harry gasped in shock and horror. The wonderful picture he had of his father in his mind was ruined.

"You lie!" he accused shrilly, pointing his wand once more at Wormtail. Wormtail spat out another fur ball and shook his head, preparing to curse Harry. Suddenly the sad background music stopped, and the door to the girl's dormitory slowly creaked open. Emerging from inside the door was none other then...

"Crookshanks!" Harry cried with joy. The large ugly cat sprang from the doorway, onto Wormtail's face. Wormtail screamed in anger and fury-- which are the same things.

"Nooo! Not the hair!" Wormy screamed in agony. The traitor quickly transformed and ran out of the common room door. Crookshanks sat down on the floor, and proceeded to lick himself. Harry lowered his wand and ran his hand through his crazy hair.

"Wow. What a day. I think I'm just going to go to bed, and hope everyone is off drugs by tomorrow," Harry said out loud. He started towards the boy's dorms when he suddenly remembered Ron. He hesitated for a moment.

"Erm. I'll just sleep fully clothed," he told Crookshanks, as he continued to walk to the dorm. Crookshanks didn't care.

Voldemort eyed Wormtail with anger and disappointment.

"You failed to get the boy? Because of a cat?" he asked in a dangerous voice.

Wormtail hung his head in shame, and nodded. Voldemort stood up out of his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I should shove my foot so far up your a--"

Wormtail interrupted, which was a really stupid thing to do, "No! No my Lord! I'll make it up to you! Give me one more chance!"

Voldemort weighed his options. Wormtail had failed, and deserved death. But on the other hand, it would take forever to get his blood out of the carpet.

"Very well, Wormtail, but you still have to pay for this. Now, transform and let Nagini chase you around, for my own sick amusement." Voldemort grinned wickedly.

Wormtail whimpered and transformed.

A/N I still own nothing. Format still sucks. I know you all are wanting longer chapters, but as this is a repost,they arealready written this short. The problem is that I can't get the format to do what I want and if I post more chapters then one at the same time together as one chapter,it makes no sense as they are totally different. And THAT probably made no sense, but I shall start posting chapters quicker for you all. (And yes. The other chapters are better then this one. I never liked this chapter, but decided to post it anyway incase someone liked it)


	4. Chapter 4

I still own nothing. This chapter sucks. Sorry! And Thanks for all the reviews. You all are wonderful.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione strolled down the hall towards their next class. They turned a corner and stopped dead. Standing in the middle of the hallway was a beautiful girl.

"Hi. I'm a mysterious transfer student! My name is Mary-Sue! Do you want to ponder my past, while falling in love with me and then save me from Voldemort?" She smiled, and they were nearly blinded by the brightness of her teeth. Harry looked down at his watch and shook his head.

"Can't. We have Transfiguration. Uh... maybe later?" Harry pointed to his watch.

Mary-Sue shrugged and trotted away. They continued on their way to Transfiguration when some random first year popped out of nowhere.

"Harry Potter! Ahhh! The headmaster wants to see you! Whee!" The first year threw his arms around Harry and hugged him, then scurried away. Harry smoothed out his robes, and made his way to the headmasters's office.

Harry sat down nervously in the chair across from Dumbledore. They sat there in silence.

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore offered

"Against my religion," Harry declined.

"Harry, I have something important to tell you. I don't know how you will react..." Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Harry. Professor Snape is your father."

Harry gasped in shock. "Really?"

"No. But you're failing potions. Try to work a bit harder, eh?" Dumbledore grinned at him, and Harry laughed nervously before slowly backing out of the room.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron skipped into Potions later that day. Malfoy sneered at them.

"Oh, look. It's Potter and his fan club." Malfoy and his groupies laughed.

"Your Mamma!" Ron shot back. Before Malfoy could respond, Snape burst into the room. He started writing directions on the board, when Remus walked into the room.

"Lupin! What the hell are you doing in my class room?" Snape screeched at him. Lupin merely smiled a goofy grin.

"Who me? Oh, I just wander from room to room." He smiled again and wandered out of the room.

"Get back to work!" Snape barked to his class. Giving one last glance towards the door, Snape resumed writing on the board. Neville quickly tossed in random ingredients, and soon his potion exploded everywhere.

"My bad!" Neville exclaimed as Professor Snape tossed him out of the classroom.


	5. Chapter 5

Still own nothing. Still hate the format. So yes. This story had better spacing, and even little marks when something was changing (Flashback) But they would not show up. Sorry

Harry quietly walked down the hallway towards the spare rooms in the back of the castle, to see his godfather. He saw the correct door, and knocked lightly. There was a muffled "Come in!" and the grinning face of Sirius Black greeted Harry when he opened the door.

"Hey Sirius," Harry said, while him and his godfather had a emotional moment.

"What can I do for you?" Sirius asked casually. He sat down in front of the fire, motioning for his godson to do the same. Harry sat down across from Sirius and put on a serious expression.

"Actually...I was wondering if you could tell me about my dad. About what it was like during his school days," he said carefully.

Sirius smiled, his eyes slightly misty. "Of course. I've got the perfect story..."

(The ever popular MWPP story, in the form of a flash back)

"Where's Remus?" Sirius asked. It was a normal question, a question that was asked once a month. James Potter looked up from his book.

"I don't know. It feels like you ask that once a month..." James frowned suddenly. His eyes widened.

"You guys...he is always sick once a month. Do you know what else is sick once a month?" James asked slowly. Sirius looked confused, but in a sexy way. Realization dawned on Peter's face.

"Oh my God, Remus is a girl!" Peter gasped. Sirius's jaw dropped.

"No wonder he never showers while we're in there!" Sirius exclaimed, and then wondered if Remus was single. James sighed. It was hard being the smartest person in the world.

"No, werewolves are sick once a month!" James exclaimed dramatically. Sirius gasped. Peter did too, but accidentally inhaled a jellybean and started to choke.

"He's been lying to us all this time! And that's why my shoes are all chewed up!" Sirius said. Peter began turning blue. James reached over and gave Peter a thump on the back and the jellybean popped out and hit Sirius in the forehead. James stood up.

"I have no problem with this, and neither do you two. We shall speak to him tomorrow," James commanded. The other two nodded and filed behind him as they trotted out of the library.

The next day, Remus was sitting in the dorm room reading a book (because that's all he ever does) when a shadow fell over him-three shadows. He looked up into the faces of James, Sirius, and Peter.

"Remus..." James began but was cut off; Sirius handed Remus a squeaky chew toy, and Peter gave him a bottle of flea shampoo. Remus paled.

"We know you are a werewolf," James finished. Remus stood up and began packing his stuff, keeping the chew toy and flea bath.

"I understand if you want me to leave," Remus said sadly. Sirius sighed in relief.

"Thank God, I thought it was going to be awkward," Sirius said, thankful. James punched him. Peter tossed a dog treat at Remus. He caught it in his mouth.

"We don't care if you are a werewolf. You are our friend. You will stay," James told him firmly. Remus burst out crying.

"Oh, thank you. I knew you guys were my friends." He blubbered and stepped over Sirius, who was wheezing on the floor, and gave James and Peter a hug. Sirius jumped up and joined in. James shoved them all away abruptly so they all toppled over.

"I've just had a brilliant idea. Like I always do!" James said happily. "We will become Animagi to stay with you during the full moon!" Sirius got a scary gleam in his eye (as a joke, James had stolen his medication). Peter paled and Remus looked skeptical.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea..." Remus said. James stared at him.

"I am James Potter," James said slowly, as if speaking to a slow werewolf. "I'm always right." Remus and Peter's fears were instantly forgotten.

(End Stupid MWPP flashback)

Harry sat in silence after Sirius told his tale. After a few moments Harry coughed.

"Well, something has suddenly come up, and I have to go," Harry said, standing up and making his way quickly towards the door.

"Yes. I'll see you later!" Sirius wiped at his eyes with a napkin. He sighed after Harry closed the door.

"Memories." He sighed again, and gave his teddy bear a hug.


End file.
